ASAP

If I have a pet peeve, it is that people in Bangalore can't keep themselves from coughing up their phlegm and spitting right in the middle of the road. Actually I have another pet peeve too, which is the way people keep blaring their vehicle horns much to the irritation of all around. Are they just trying to be irritating or am I irritable? I know I have a slight problem of either low or high blood pressure - whichever the right one is - like my dad, and that would probably explain my reaction. But in any case, I feel it is justified.

I mean, I myself am able to go about on the roads without either spitting or blaring my bike horn, so I imagine it's humanly possible to do so. Possibly it's just something ingrained in the thoughtlessness of our general psyche - of total disregard for public property and other people. Anyway, I shall leave my second peeve aside for the moment and concentrate on the first - and more infuriating - one.

I have worked myself to such a state of fury that I nearly gag each time I see spit, usually white but sometimes with all its yellow phlegmy constituents, cast about haphazardly on the roads. Such things are supposed to be confined either to a person's interiors or to the drains (for which a passageway may be sought through the toilet). Since I cannot really gag as this would in no way improve the situation, I restrict myself to cursing the perpetrator silently or sometimes even casting a most disdainful look in his (it's usually a 'his') direction, often adding a severe wagging of the head for effect. When it comes to my second peeve, I sometimes show my irritation by flailing my arms about my head in a most dramatic manner. Naturally, it usually is not lost on the object of my emotions, though I have never really been able to follow up on whether the victim effected a change in his ways after that. But I rest peaceful in my ignorance anyway.

After some time of cursing such people both silently and at times loud enough for my own ears to hear audibly enough, I finally hit upon some form of a scheme to tackle the spitting menace. If not anything else, it at least helps me ease the adverse effect on my high or low blood pressure. I decided to start a one-man crusade against such elements. But I also realised that such a crusade would have to have some precautionary strings attached if I wanted to survive many more anti-spitting years.

The plan I finally decided upon was to carry a small bottle along with me, filled with clean water. The bottle would be no bigger than a normal Pepsi or Coke. Armed with this bottle, I would set out on my mission. Travelling about on my bike, everytime I would see an offender coughing up his disgusting body fluids on the road, I would take out my bottle, go up to him and pour out the water on the mess. This would serve not only to clear it away but also to send the perpetrator a clear and indignant message. Besides, it would also guarantee my safety. The fellow technically would not be justified in inflicting any harm on me as I would not be directly doing anything to him, only showing my righteous fury against his act.

This said, I have not been too effective yet in putting my plan into any real far-reaching effect. Actually, I have only been able to do it twice since I started. The first time was at a traffic signal, which did not change as quickly as it usually did whenever I had felt compelled previously to take out my weapon. I mean, until then and even after, it was like everything was ganging up against me. The traffic signals, which otherwise would not change when I would even be late to work, would then choose to change just as I would take out my bottle. Or the fellow would spit just before the light changed, making me merely curse him as before.

But this time, I had a good 120 seconds before the light changed. And these two young dirty boys were in front of me. One of them coughed up rather heartily and let loose a rather liberal stream on the roadside. I mean, the guy just didn't seem to want to stop. My blood boiled within me and my eyes turned a deep red. I slowly took out my bottle - I was going to give my one chance yet the best dramatic effect I could - and, walking up to their bike, I slowly and deliberately poured the water over the spit, letting it wash the spot rather generously.

Naturally, all eyes were on me, none more so than the offenders beside whose bike I was standing. I frankly don't know what either they or the rest felt, but I would imagine it was a mixture of scorn and embarrassment. I was not perturbed anyway. This was exactly the kind of reaction I had hoped for - what I had been waiting for, for so long. When I had finished emptying the bottle of its contents, I calmly walked back to my bike, with dramatic deliberate slow steps. Back on my bike, I was able to review my actions, without regret, and also observe the lingering reactions of my poor victims. They were talking with embarrassed smiles and indicating my direction in certain subtle ways. The thrill that passed through my frame at that point was unparallelled. I felt remarkably noble, like one of those knights of old who had just thrust his lance through the villain's heart and had his maiden's fair but woeful blue eyes cast grateful beams into his. I felt ecstatic. My smile seemed to challenge all around - "Come on, please spit. I'm ready for you." Luckily though, no one chose to take up my challenge, as my bottle had run out of water!

The second time I got to effect my scheme was on Mahatma Gandhi Road, when another foul-mouthed man strewed the roadside. I had stopped by the side of the road and was waiting for my mom so I took out my bottle. Unfortunately, the guy had rushed away on some other nefarious task of his so I had to confine myself with washing the spot and having some others stare at me. I cursed a bit too.

So I have decided now to expand my campaign. I have called it ASAP - the Anti-Spitting Action Plan. Anyone who shares my peeve could join up free and pass on the good word to likeminded friends too. All you would have to do is carry a small bottle with you. Soon we could have a veritable army of bottle-wielding anti-spitting fanatics. No politics though. We could even become quite famous someday. But that's not the ultimate aim - it is a noble cause we have in mind. So, all who carry the fire that burns within against the unholy roadside phlegm of man, please join ASAP ASAP.